I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
