I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
There was a lot of him and a little penis
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
