the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
