The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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