Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
