you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
