I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
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It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life