saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
