She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
