I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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