Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
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Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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