Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
