NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
