I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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