Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.