he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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