If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
