I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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