if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
