Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
