i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
