I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
