OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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