mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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