Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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