Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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