I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
