the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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