I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.