I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
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I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
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I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.