Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.