I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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