Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...