my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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