My underwear smells like fireworks.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
