The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
