I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
