He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
