I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Randomize
