haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
