yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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