why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
