your parents love me but you hate me
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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