I want to have your abortion
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
