Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
