I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
