First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
