when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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