One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
