hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
