I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
