I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Bring me that man meat
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
