Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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