Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
