Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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