If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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