I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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