Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
