We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
