Actions speak louder than pants.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
