i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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