i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
